Dear Lady Jane,
I am getting married and I invited my best friend growing up to be my maid of honor. My best friend over the years has lost a lot of her hearing (she does have hearing aids) and we both are fluent in sign language. At times, she can be a bit impatient in loud situations and can sound rude. I know it is just her frustration – because she told the same person to speak straight at her (she can read lips too) three times because she is deaf. I never heard one person get mad at her and not apologize.
My future mother in law wants me to exclude her from the bridal party. She is concerned that since we have a lot of pre wedding festivities such as: engagement party, bridal shower, dinners etc…
My future mother in law is concerned how she will act with her country club friends, and does not want a scene. I feel very hurt by this. This was something I never expected from her .
What should I do?
I am very sad to read this letter but not surprised. Your friend should remain in your bridal party.
“As per Jennifer Connelly , people are very blessed to be worried about silly things – when people are worrying about where they are going to sleep, and what they are going to feed their kids every day. You get my point. Who cares what other people think and that your friend speaks a little loud at times. Not one person on earth is perfect. This is what makes us unique and special.
I know people want me to say how horrible your mother in law is, but having a good relationship w her is important for your marriage.
Your mother in law is insecure and is uncomfortable with your friend – it could be due to fear, denial, ignorance and her insecurities. She may be aware of her limitations and may not feel she could rise above it if she was your best friend.
Your mother in law needs to step out of her thinking and seek empathy. Your best friend should not be marginalized and has a right to integrate in society that is afforded to everyone else. She has a lot to offer this is why you are both best friends.
Since your mother in law is worried about her country club friends, As per Emily Post good etiquette is based on the golden rule – do unto others as you would want done to you. Etiquette has not changed – it is based on consideration – kindness.